Favourite Poems

[fartypants]

As you will all probably be aware Mr Tommybadman is solely responsible for soiling this forum recently with his poor & tasteless humour, bad jokes and general unpleasantness, I thought it may be prudent to attempt to inject some harmony, class and general niceinglylovelyness back to the forum.
Therefore I would like everyone to add there favourite piece of poetry to give an air of serenity about the place.
I shall start

this was a love poem from sir Paul Mcartney to his then wife Heather mills

We lay upon the grassy bank
My hands were all aquiver
I slowly undid her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river

[chancer]

Roses are red nuts are brown
Skirts go up pants go down
Body to body; Skin to skin
When its stiff stick it in
It goes in dry and comes out wet
The longer its in, the stronger it gets
It comes out dripping and starts to sag
But its not what you think its a used tetleys tea bag .

[tommybadman]

Class. On a stick.

It's safe to say my poetry should not be inflicted on the public... so I'll respectfully decline.

for niceinglylovelyness, by the way!

[tommybadman]

Ah... who am I kidding?

If that's the theme of the poems we're after, I did always like this one - don't know who it's by:

She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."

She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.

"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."

"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."

And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!

[lexi]

[mattyuk]

On the internet they found romance,
That put both in a sexual trance,
But each had a gripe,
That it's hard to type,
With one hand stuck down in your pants.

**********************************

In convertibles she was quite brash,
When she put her feet up on the dash.
As a trucker drove by,
Her bare crotch caught his eye,
And four people were killed in the crash.

[tommybadman]

[fartypants]

Not quite the poet lauriet or philip larkin I was expecting

there was a young man named Shy
Whose armpits made you high
He went out for a jog
and promptly laid a log
and his truck cab smelt of shit pie

Sorry Shy

there was a young man named farty
who thought he was quite arty
it turns out instead
while snuggled up in bed
he was dressed up like liberarchy

and so on and so forth

[tommybadman]

[fartypants]

Tommy, yours is coming m8, but I need to think about it

[tommybadman]

Tommy, yours is coming m8, but I need to think about it

Fair enough, was considering "There once was a manager named Farty..." myself, but thought it in poor taste. Looking forward to it, looks like I might need one ready in response...

[mattyuk]

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

**********************************

There was a young girl called Annie
who had a peculiar fanny
she went to the doc
he said thats a cock
now everyone calls her Danny.

************************************

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a duck,
She put them on the mantelpiece,
To see if they would make friends....

[fartypants]

I'm sure I can improve this but for version 1 here goes...

There was a young man named Tommybadman
Who had a fetish for sticking his knob in Jars of Jam
One day he pushed a bit too far
And got his knackers stuck in the jar

It's not big and it's not clever!
But I like it!!

(whispers to Tommy, I think i'm in for a round of fucks off shy tbh m8)


There was a singer called James Blunt
erm don't think i'll do that one...

[tommybadman]

Looks like we've not got the names for a limerick...

Mary had a little skirt,
With splits up either side,
So every time she crossed her legs,
The boys could see her thighs.

[fartypants]

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
she had twelve kids
and her fanny fell out...
Mr Chubby Brown

sorry about the F word Scarlet but it was necessary poetic license

[chancer]

There was a young lady named Mabel
Who said, "I don't thing I'm able;
But I'm willing to try.
So where shall I lie -
On the bed, on the floor or the table ?"

[shyhullmale]

(whispers to Tommy, I think i'm in for a round of fucks off shy tbh m8)

Sorry farty, i am only into women

[fartypants]

(whispers to Tommy, I think i'm in for a round of fucks off shy tbh m8)

Sorry farty, i am only into women

there was a young man named shy
who was only into lady pie
.....

of course what I actually meant in my discussion with Tommy was that upon your disemination of the contents of this excellent (If I say so myself) thread you would then embark on a stern lecture several paragraphs long highlighting and exposing the error of Tommy's ways and so on and so forth, yada yada yada, etc etc.
At no time did I intend to mislead you into thinking my thread was a courting ritual to engage in sexual activity with you. Whilst of course I'm sure you have many positive attributes that are endearing to the fairer sex, the prospect of sexual contact with (and I mean this with the greatest of respect) a hairy arsed trucker is most offputting to say the least

[lexi]

i do really enjoy reading ur posts fartypants and ur TBM u both av me in fits ov laughter xx

[tommybadman]

Nice one chancer.

Lexi - we do our best! x

[tommybadman]

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

...you're HOT!

[sophie]

tommybadman his name said it all
he,d do banter with anyone it shows
he,s naughty and funny
and serious but not cunning
he,ll have you rolling around on the floor


well fartypants he likes to talk wind
with a breeze he,ll wander right in
you can tell that he,s done it
from the grin that says prove it
but he,s really a gent from within

[tommybadman]

Thanks Sophie, that's truly amazing! I wonder if this is going to become a competition..?

...and I do enjoy rolling around on the floor.

[tommybadman]

In light of: viewtopic.php?p=63062#p63062...

There was a young lady named Sophie
Who went to get all wet and soapy,
She dizzied our heads
With "three in a bed"
And made CTR get all hope-ey...

Not sure about that one!

[sophie]

In light of: viewtopic.php?p=63062#p63062...

There was a young lady named Sophie
Who went to get all wet and soapy,
She dizzied our heads
With "three in a bed"
And made CTR get all hope-ey...

Not sure about that one!

not bad