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sophie
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Unread post Wed Jul 07, 2010 11:54 pm

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Man has his will, but woman has her way.
As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

Man: So, what's your sign?
Woman: No Entry

Boss: Employees like that don't grow on trees you know...
You: How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them...

How many people work in your office?
About half of them

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 12:04 am

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says “seven points.”
His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”
The old man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 7 to nothing.”
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie, score.”
After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I’m ahead 14 to 7.
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can’t fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.
The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”
The old man replies, “Half-time, switch sides.”
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 12:31 am

I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance

Please keep talking, I always yawn when I'm interested

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet
Cullyclimb
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 12:56 am

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 12:57 am

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

(the price you pay for being good)
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 1:03 am

Condom Slogans
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 1:06 am

Voodoo Dick
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 10:39 am

Cullyclimb wrote:1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
:lol:
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 10:52 am

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 4:02 pm

Exerts from Readers Section on Viz Mag

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.
Mrs B. Essex.

The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese'
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London .

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth .

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield .

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan .

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose Capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey .

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.

The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Bollockbrain, Braintree .

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole .

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull .

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'.
Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
K Libretto, Welling
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 7:30 pm

i have that problem too whenever i read something funny on here i start grinning or laughing and i get asked why,, really can,t answer :whistle:
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 7:52 pm

Another Viz tip: Bus drivers. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book and then stroll back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

This reminds me of another bus driver joke:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my dad, not like the screaming passengers in the back of his bus.
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Unread post Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:26 pm

heh heh
they are good arn't they :grin:
well done Sophie for starting an ace thread

I say a bloke at the side of the road, he said 'can you give me a lift?'

I said... You look great mate, the worlds your oyster, just fu#king go for it :grin:
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:34 am

whats the difference between sin and shame ?

its a sin to stick it in , and a shame to take it out
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:43 am

thank you fartypants

“Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember”

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers


There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:46 am

simone wrote:whats the difference between sin and shame ?

its a sin to stick it in , and a shame to take it out
:eek: Cheeky! :lol:
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:16 am

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted! :shock:

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. :mrgreen:

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 3:34 pm

I can resist everything, apart from temptation... - Oscar Wilde too :grin:
simone
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 4:40 pm

tommybadman wrote:
simone wrote:whats the difference between sin and shame ?

its a sin to stick it in , and a shame to take it out
:eek: Cheeky! :lol:

is that not allowed lol got loads of em, wont get told off will i
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 4:54 pm

simone wrote:
tommybadman wrote:
simone wrote:whats the difference between sin and shame ?

its a sin to stick it in , and a shame to take it out
:eek: Cheeky! :lol:

is that not allowed lol got loads of em, wont get told off will i

you put as many on as you like luv :grin: if anyone complains, blame it on tommybadman (whispers that's what I do) :whistle:

:grin: :cool:
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 5:41 pm

two eggs boiling in a pan, one male one female
the female egg says ' look ive got a crack'
the male egg replies ' no good telling me im not hard yet'
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:37 pm

teepee2006 wrote:
simone wrote:...... is that not allowed lol got loads of em, wont get told off will i
Lets have more like that Simone ...
:text-+1: ... but don't let Teepee steal your stuff Simone :razz: !
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:39 pm

fartypants wrote:
simone wrote:
tommybadman wrote:
simone wrote:whats the difference between sin and shame ?

its a sin to stick it in , and a shame to take it out
:eek: Cheeky! :lol:

is that not allowed lol got loads of em, wont get told off will i

you put as many on as you like luv :grin: if anyone complains, blame it on tommybadman (whispers that's what I do) :whistle:

:grin: :cool:
he does as well :lol:
go for it girl no problem here
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:45 pm

teepee2006 wrote:
CTR wrote:
teepee2006 wrote:
simone wrote:...... is that not allowed lol got loads of em, wont get told off will i
Lets have more like that Simone ...
:text-+1: ... but don't let Teepee steal your stuff Simone :razz: !
I steal everyone else's ... so why should Simone be different? :grin:
yep then repeats them to me ,, and i sometimes have to listen even though i know the end result :roll:
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Unread post Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:46 pm

teepee2006 wrote:
CTR wrote:
teepee2006 wrote:
simone wrote:...... is that not allowed lol got loads of em, wont get told off will i
Lets have more like that Simone ...
:text-+1: ... but don't let Teepee steal your stuff Simone :razz: !
I steal everyone else's ... so why should Simone be different? :grin:
Cos' she's special - she has a 6 letter name beginning with S :mrgreen:
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